This is perhaps my third attempt of the week whilst I decide to blog on my commute to work. I finish the blog then when I want to save I can’t as I have no internet connection. Then I forget to save it haha.
I think I just need my wedding film to arrive now so this means I need to send the song playlist and get my dads voice message across asap. The thought of how it’s going to look really scares me and it’s because i keep recalling all the stuff that went wrong and it has since been 2 months and I still have not got over it. It does get me so sad and upset and I don’t know if I ever will get over it to be honest. I know it’s done now and oh how I wish to go back to that day.
Jobs jobs jobs. I need a new job. I feel as I have started this new chapter in my life I need a new job to go along with that because I am finding that all the old insecurities and feelings of anxiety and worry linked to where I work are still lingering and getting stronger. It’s making my everyday become hard to cope with because I am finding it hard to calm myself and keep my anxiety in check. I need a new job, working for a new company, for a new team to see a new perspective. Perhaps I have outgrown my current role for he current organisation I work for or perhaps the role itself isn’t what it used to be for me or perhaps I no longer like working for the team I work for…or perhaps I just need a new career opportunity. It could many different things I worry to much and it’s tiring when you worry constantly the way I do. I’m surprised to see my entire head of hair has not turned white (although hubby, myself and MIL) have been finding strands of white hairs on my head like all the time. No panic attacks since the last one back in early December 2016. And I can tell when one is about to come on, and when it does I simply learn to cope with it and keep it in check I think. As I am journeying into work the thought of the interviews I will be taking is pulling me into misery and sadness.
The right side
I am alive and healthy I guess. I ordered a shisha bong yesterday which is arriving today woohoo! Can’t wait. And my sister is coming over tomorrow to visit and stay for one night which is really nice I think although all I been thinking about and yes stressing over is what I will be making for dinner and lunch and stuff for her. I’m thinking to bake some brownies for her this evening and be up tomorrow at 4am and cook a chicken curry, aloo bhazzi and prep chicken for enchiladas. Maybe even throw in some sardines… maybe. Iv also ordered some other things for baking a hand mixer, a roasting/baking tray, a laundry hamper, kitchen scales amongst other stuff. So excited for when they arrive. Don’t you hate it though when after you order things you are reminded of other stuff you should have ordered and that’s what always happens to me.
Rapture, by Lauren Kate
After having read the first 3 books from Kate’s Fallen series as my sister doesn’t have the 4th book because she went and read it in the library. I thought I’d also register with my local library and reserved the book. It’s been over a week and do I have it? No. So what I have done is I have gone and bought it online at TheWorks.co.uk for collection. That will take 5 working days to process and arrive haha and the wait is also quite hard if I do say so myself lol. But when it arrives it will be worth while. Escaping into her books have proved amazing for me. Stops me from thinking about the crap I think and stress about and I am lost in the world she has created. I feel exactly what Luce feels for Daniel Grigori and I am there when they kiss and when she yearns for him. It’s amazing. Heck I fancy Daniel man. Can you blame me? I am sure I am but many girls who also have. I become another person in this world of Lucinda Price’s, realising her soul is cursed to be reincarnated over the years since the dawn of time and that because of this curse she can never be with her one true love, her fallen angel. She realised she is a puzzle in this war between heaven and hell, those who side with God and Lucifer the Devil. I am there when I see how their wings of the fallen angels glisten. It’s this beautiful world, a world away from my own and escaping into it and the emotions I get are something else. So as you can see, I’m a tad obsessed so I MUST READ THE FOURTH AND LAST BOOK
Is there really a need to worry so much though?
No there isn’t. I know there isn’t but I still can’t help it. It’s obvious this stems from something much deeper from when I was younger and I have always been a worry wart, it’s just it’s since manifested into something bigger, much bigger and slowly it will get out of hand and be very difficult to control. That’s my worst fear, I want it to be under control, I don’t want it taking over my life. And with things like anxiety, that shit can aaanndddd all sort is things can develop from it such as depression and other mental health illnesses. I can randomly start hyperventilate and I won’t even understand the cause behind why likenlot would. The hyperventilating is becoming frequent and before I never knew what was happening to me as I would worry thinking I am diseased but now I know.
Rewind and I am still here, where I have been since 6.52am- the train
On my last train change and I am tired and need sleep. Gosh waking up was so difficult this morning. Iv been going through this ‘wanting to be left alone’ phase where after I work I just wanna be left alone and don’t want to talk to anyone but it’s not possible lol. I feel like I can’t watch TV even without people wanting to talk to me. It does annoy me and I just feel like the time I get to myself after I get home from work is never mine but I guess that’s how it is isn’t it? When your married and living with your in laws.
See you when I next decide to type!