Can someone say hump day?

It’s Wednesday, it’s 5.26pm and I’m currently on the Victoria line heading home.

My home on the other side of London. In east London. In E17. Still at times I find it odd that I live in east London and that this is my new home. I feel that I will be back at my mums any day as if to think where I am now is only temporary but I know that’s not the case. Haha. I am just saying.

The commute every is killing me but on the bright side I can see my parents on my lunch well whenever I want when I’m at work whether it be after work or whatever. But I do need a new job.

Job hunting games… may the odds forever be in your favour HAH

I cannot recall how many jobs I above applied for. Since October 2016 up until 2days ago I am always looking and applying and hoping and wishing and waiting and then feeling disappointed.

Why is finding another job so bloody hard! But god willing my luck should be on the mend soon. InshaAllah.

My current place of work, I just don’t enjoy it how I used to. Perhaps Iv outgrown the organisation or perhaps I no longer fit well with my team or perhaps I just don’t like working there. I dunno, it could be many a things but what I do know is that I need a change. I need to work for a new team, for a new organisation, at a new location (closer to where I live now). I think is more the case Iv married, started this new chapter in my life and so need a new job to go along with it. I don’t want the same problems and anxieties I experienc at work to follow around as Iv enegered this new chapter of my life. I think I deserve that.

Speaking of anxiety… how’s that holdin’ up love?

I am not sure. I had an operation last Friday and was feeling pretty anxious as I had never been out to slee like that before. But Alhumdulilah I braced through it with the love and support of my husband and family. Ameen. But I just feel when I over come one worry and stress another pops up or when I am not worrying about something I feel like somethings wrong as if think I have forgotten about something that I should be worrying. As lame as it sounds this is me everyday. Just shows how accustomed I am to worrying so obviously my anxiety will blow through the roof.

Iv had no panic attacks- thank god. And let’s keep it that way.

But I do need to leave my current job, the role within the company, for me… does not do any good for anxiety. Work has gotten me stressed and anxious over the years especially with how I have been managed and the expectations that is required, I guess I never realised how much of an impact can have on a person. And so here I am, kind of a mess.

Then there’s my wedding. It happened in November last year and still I can’t get over al the things for me that went wrong. It gets me worried especially for the final DVD and so many times I must tell myself it’s fine it WILL be fine. But this kwawing feeling creeps up, manifests and my brain goes into this mode which I don’t like. I need to seriously send the final song list and get my parents messages  add on.

Gaining weight, the flab needs to know its place 

Well I’m basically eating rice and curry like all the time and can feel it. The weight and fat just waiting to hit me and live with me again, like before. Ergh. Don’t help my sister in laws are skinnier then me and then there’s me this lard. Even at my slimmest I’m still a chubby shite compared to them.

What do I want? 

Many things. Can I get them? Not always of them. I am thankful though of everything. My husband, my family, my inlaws and my friends.

Lucky for me I finished work at 4.30pm having got to work for 8.15am and started work at 8.30am. I’m not far from my final stop woohoo and as I got some time before I should be home, I think I’m going to have a wander and a gander around the shopping centre. Maybe buy couple of things to cheer myself up.

one stop away so before I  get carried away I am going to stop typing and see you in my next blog post

Ta x

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